I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
