I'm really into asian looking animals
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
