when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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