is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm just crazy horny about you
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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