just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
