I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
