Capitaan dildo arrescate!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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