I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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