Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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