theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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