im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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