tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
