we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize