i just had sex bonerless
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
