So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Houston, we have a blender
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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