pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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