that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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