turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
