Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
