hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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