I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
