So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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