Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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