Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
