Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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