i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
