Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
