It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
