I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
