how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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