1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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