Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
