Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need a beard to bite.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
