The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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