Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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