All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
