Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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