Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
