i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
