I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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