I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
