Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize