You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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