Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
