Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
