After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize