I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I cut my penus on the lid.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
