Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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