oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Randomize
