Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
