after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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