Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize