i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
