mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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