I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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