Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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