She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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