Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
