today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's always time for handjobs
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
