i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
