first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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