No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she told me i tasted like america
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
