You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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