My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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