Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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