I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
