11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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