Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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