Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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