I wish I could punch you in the face.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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