I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This is the high leading the old right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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